"just another product of this matrix . this maze im in amazes me at times . i just wanted to be at peace with yu ,. but if i gotta settle for a piece of yu , then i gotta say . . . . peace to yu .
with all due respect , i do respect yu enough to except . . . effort is all i ask .
if we gonna last more ; i gotta ask for more . & if tht means tht im asking for too much ,
im sure we'll end up as our last . . .or past .
we bash , we blast , we shoot , we lose ,
we pass ."-wale ; the war
These past couple of years have been truly a journey. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been right, I’ve wrong, I’ve been in every direction my emotions where capable of taking me. I questioned God, I questioned my purpose, I questioned my family, friends, I questioned everybody and everything. All I wanted was answers. At the moment, I don’t think I even cared if the answers made sense. I just wanted to hear something; I don’t even think that was it either. I just wanted hope (yeah, there we go) hope. I just wanted the reassurance and the security that I was here for a reason. With all of those feelings came experiences. Experiences I wouldn’t take back even if my life depended on it. On April 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm
The significance of that experience alone was overwhelming, exciting, and it might sound funny, but for a split second I felt like a teachers pet. Like God was the teacher and I was his favorite student. You just had to be there to grasp the emotion, I’m telling you, she was truly a breathtaking reflection of Gods heart (now looking back at it I’m wondering how I could have even questioned him). But nobody goes through life unscratched. With me feeling the most enjoyable pleasure, came the most antagonizing pain, the most disturbing conclusion that my life has and probably never will turn out as expected. Life became real. I was no longer looking threw a pair of child’s eyes, but yet the eyes of a 19 year old mother, a single mother at that. I never pictured my life being like this (a single mother in all) maybe because that was never the life I lived. My dad wasn’t that involved in my life, he showed his face from time to time, but was never actually involved. But the funny part is I never noticed. My mom wore 100 faces; mom, dad, grandma, sister, uncle, teacher, provider, business women, motivational speaker, you name the face in the character and she was it. Maybe that’s why I don’t consider myself growing up in a single parent household.
The purpose of this essay was for me to write about an experience that taught me a significant lesson, and the significance of that experience, and the observation. But to me the lesson isn’t up, but I can discuss what I’ve gained; I’ve gained happiness, maturity, and understanding, I’ve learned not to rush life, I’ve learned not to put a question mark where God has already put a period. Everything happens for a reason, and if it isn’t going my way 10 out of 10 times it’s going Gods way. I’ve learned the meaning of unconditional love and appreciation, I’ve learned the true meaning of being a parent = sacrifice, I’ve learned having a child doesn’t make you an adult; putting away childish behavior does.
(Nevaeh, I will sincerely & utterly follow you anywhere our love will take us!)
if only there were evil pple somewhere deceitfully committing evil deeds & it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them .
but the line dividing good & evil cuts through the heart of every human being.
& who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart ?
-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.
& it allllll begins with her <--- ,.
well babyyy ;; you got your shot . `prove to the world that your greatest glory is to accomplish everything that God has put before you .
_you are your mothers child . my determination lives with in you . i love you .
xoxo ,
gossip girl ;;
patiently waiting -- anticipating -- look at what you made of me =/. look how everything chooses to fall apart, at one blink of my eye, before the eyelids even close to kiss. look how everything falls apart. in one swift motion of your tongue, as you begin to form your words. form the very sentences that make me cringe to my knees, you take it back. you took back every meaningful thing you every told me. every word that lit up my pathetic little life for a day or two, is gone. your lies start to form some sort of truth. the same truth i been longing to here for some time now. this truth i prayed for. & cried when i heard it. pain so deep, the one way to describe it is "a gun shot threw my heart, piercing my soul ripping threw my ol so tough exterior that i tried so hard to maintain for 18yrs now" & with being revealed. i found strength. to possably walk away from the one thing that brings me more joy then anyone in this world, & that causes me more pain then i can ever cause myself. not saying i am gonna walk away & never look back. im just saying im capable. & for me -- that gives me strength. but when the day comes when i feel as if i have nothing. & all the strength that i`ve built up, slowly dissolves, & the damage is to critical for repair, then perhaps . . . . maybe . . . . i`ll have to find someone -- who is cable of loving me, with out hurting .i l o v e m e . e v e n w h e n U d o n t !
- jene`e lezlie crawford
