saved by a little girl named heaven*

These past couple of years have been truly a journey. I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been right, I’ve wrong, I’ve been in every direction my emotions where capable of taking me. I questioned God, I questioned my purpose, I questioned my family, friends, I questioned everybody and everything. All I wanted was answers. At the moment, I don’t think I even cared if the answers made sense. I just wanted to hear something; I don’t even think that was it either. I just wanted hope (yeah, there we go) hope. I just wanted the reassurance and the security that I was here for a reason. With all of those feelings came experiences. Experiences I wouldn’t take back even if my life depended on it. On April 30, 2009 at 2:34 pm Cedar-Sini Hospital, I said “hi, Nevaeh. I have been waiting 9months to finally meet you, and trust me baby, it was worth every second.”

The significance of that experience alone was overwhelming, exciting, and it might sound funny, but for a split second I felt like a teachers pet. Like God was the teacher and I was his favorite student. You just had to be there to grasp the emotion, I’m telling you, she was truly a breathtaking reflection of Gods heart (now looking back at it I’m wondering how I could have even questioned him). But nobody goes through life unscratched. With me feeling the most enjoyable pleasure, came the most antagonizing pain, the most disturbing conclusion that my life has and probably never will turn out as expected. Life became real. I was no longer looking threw a pair of child’s eyes, but yet the eyes of a 19 year old mother, a single mother at that. I never pictured my life being like this (a single mother in all) maybe because that was never the life I lived. My dad wasn’t that involved in my life, he showed his face from time to time, but was never actually involved. But the funny part is I never noticed. My mom wore 100 faces; mom, dad, grandma, sister, uncle, teacher, provider, business women, motivational speaker, you name the face in the character and she was it. Maybe that’s why I don’t consider myself growing up in a single parent household.

The purpose of this essay was for me to write about an experience that taught me a significant lesson, and the significance of that experience, and the observation. But to me the lesson isn’t up, but I can discuss what I’ve gained; I’ve gained happiness, maturity, and understanding, I’ve learned not to rush life, I’ve learned not to put a question mark where God has already put a period. Everything happens for a reason, and if it isn’t going my way 10 out of 10 times it’s going Gods way. I’ve learned the meaning of unconditional love and appreciation, I’ve learned the true meaning of being a parent = sacrifice, I’ve learned having a child doesn’t make you an adult; putting away childish behavior does.

(Nevaeh, I will sincerely & utterly follow you anywhere our love will take us!)